You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.
Deep down, I understood I shouldn’t depend on others to validate myself. However, for a very long period, I discovered that I needed outside validation to determine my value.
I always looked to friends, relatives, and even strangers for comfort. Their approval became a yardstick for my self-worth, trapping me in a never-ending loop of uncertainty and fear.
Despite my accomplishments, I always felt I needed more recognition. My overwhelming desire for external affirmation robbed me of genuine pride in my accomplishments and my sense of success.
I did an excellent job, and everyone was impressed by my achievements. However, a hollowness inside me reminded me that despite all the external affirmation I was receiving, I was looking for it in the wrong places.
There was a persistent sense in me that something was wrong.
Was that the correct thing, though? Is there anything rewarding about living a life driven only by a need for approval?
It’s interesting to note that, in addition to knowing deep down that I didn’t want to depend on others’ approval, I also recognized that those who actively sought approval were frequently less satisfied.
I was one of those who gave up their aspirations to gain other people’s acceptance and recognition. It became evident that my need for outside approval prevented me from experiencing real happiness and self-acceptance.
Why, then, did I keep going in this direction? Even though I knew deep down that it wasn’t helping me, why did I keep looking to others for approval? Most importantly, how can this poisonous urge be overcome?
Let’s discuss the attitudes that will almost definitely result in a need for external validation before I discuss the mindsets needed to transcend the need for it.
You see, it’s always preferable to recognize what to avoid before traversing a maze unthinkingly. I am aware of this, as I have made each of these errors.
Attitudes that Encourage Reliance on Outside Validation
1. The Quest for Excellence
For a long time, I was unable to resist the pull of perfection. I was forced to always aim for perfection because I thought it would bring me acceptance. However, the reality is that perfection is a myth. It produces an unquenchable craving for outside validation and establishes an unattainable norm.
We become obsessed with perfection because we can’t bear being disapproved of or condemned. But this obsession can get in the way of self-acceptance and our ability to embrace who we are.
2. A Fear of Not Getting Enough Done
Seeking approval from others is intimately associated with fear of failure. We make the mistake of thinking our failures prove our worth. We believe that our mistakes make us less than we once were. We’re too worried about what others will think, and we fail to see that we may learn and improve from our mistakes.
3. Comparative Illusion
Comparative validation seeking creates a vicious circle of frustration. For me, it was an unquenchable need to outperform other people. For some, it’s just about being treated equally. Specific individuals may use work advances or higher social media likes than their colleagues to obtain affirmation. Every time we use comparisons to find validity, it’s usually a trap.
4. Asking Everyone’s Permission
I didn’t always enjoy being a people-pleaser, but it became embedded in my personality to seek acceptance from everyone and put aside my wants and goals. When that understanding finally set me, I realized I had to start again, constructing a new life around my goals and ideals. I wouldn’t have gotten into the habit of trying to please everyone all the time if I had developed an identity of wholeness instead of aiming for acceptance from everyone.
5. Utilizing External Validation to Assess One’s Own Worth
You ought to receive that raise, those honors, and other people’s acceptance. The only way to assess your value is to rely only on approval from others, right? To feel confident in yourself, you need to be showered with compliments.
However, you ought not to. Although you are aware of the clichés, the fact is that your value cannot be entirely determined by outside approval. Furthermore, only you can see and accept your worth despite what other people may think.
6. Ignoring introspection
I spent much time looking outside myself for approval because I was unsure who I was. However, after several setbacks, I gave up on that strategy entirely.
I stopped looking for approval and retreated inside for months. I became increasingly aware of my principles, interests, and actual self. We can only build a solid foundation of self-validation by prioritizing ourselves and developing self-awareness.
What kind of thinking can enable you to overcome your desire for approval from others?
I don’t know you, so I can’t provide you with conclusive responses. I’m not an authority in psychology or mental health. I am just a person who has tried, failed, lived, tried again, and so on.
Thus, in the same manner that I’ve shared with you advice based on my own experience on what not to do, I will share with you some advice based on how I live my life.
Accepting Your Flaws
I have the potential to learn from every encounter I have today. I accept flaws as a necessary part of being human rather than aiming for perfection. My imperfections don’t make me unhappy; I see them as opportunities to grow and improve.
The results are teaching opportunities rather than indicators of my value. I’ve started focusing more on self-acceptance and personal development rather than utilizing outside approval as a standard.
Actual progress is impossible to achieve without accepting one’s flaws. They mold us into robust people by functioning at various ends of the same spectrum and wavelength. You deprive yourself of the chance to grow, change, and eventually become your authentic self if you strive to be flawless.
Success by Oneself
This is not to say that I don’t value other people’s perspectives; I do. However, I refuse to build my identity around their approval. I’m committed to leading a life consistent with my goals and beliefs.
People’s support and encouragement are appreciated, and I’m happy to share that experience with them. However, I won’t seek outside approval any longer or let it determine how valuable I am. Furthermore, I won’t see each response or remark as a statement about my identity. The objectives are being true to myself, defining my achievement, and deriving fulfillment.
Genuineness and Susceptibility
I don’t feel compelled to show off a polished version of myself to get approval. Even if I could alter my appearance to conform to social norms, it wouldn’t matter. I don’t pursue likes and acceptance from others. I just am who I am, no holds barred.
This is about living, not merely a mindset I’m employing for my benefit. I now value self-expression over getting approval from others and see vulnerability and honesty as assets. It’s a road marked by bravery, development, deep relationships, resiliency, and integrity-driven life.
Procedure for Internal Validation
I realized that trying to get approval from others was a never-ending quest and that I had no influence over how other people saw me, so I learned how to affirm who I am, what I love, and my beliefs. I also made time to recognize and rejoice in my achievements. I adopted the stance that all aspects of my existence, no matter how minor, were worthy of acknowledgment.
As I went along, I started to value myself more and see my value without needing approval from others. Although it is an endless process, this is the most effective way to achieve self-acceptance, self-compassion, intrinsic motivation, balanced self-perception, and self-empowerment.
Positive Self-Reflection
I’ve had inauthentic times where I’ve presented a character that isn’t true to who I am, which has caused me to feel inconsistent and deceitful. I’ve also been doubting my talents and value for a long time, and I never realized how skewed my perspective of myself was.
I’ve decided to be open and truthful about who I am. I’m done acting like someone I’m not, and I will stop lying to myself about my value.
The most challenging element is learning to replace your self-criticism with encouragement and self-compassion. However, cultivating an attitude of constructive and positive self-talk is crucial to promoting self-acceptance and self-esteem.
Accepting Relationships of Support
The irony is that we tend to hide our true selves in the hopes that others will affirm our values, but how can they do it if they don’t know us well? We might also concert to get approval from those who can’t or won’t provide it.
We can’t manage life on our own. But rather than struggling for acceptance from the wrong people or trying to change to satisfy others, we should all surround ourselves with positive, encouraging people who accept and cherish us for who we are.
What, then, ought to be accomplished in light of these recommendations?
I advise you to examine them. Keep the ones that speak to you and discard the ones that don’t.
To be free and present and not be dominated by others’ views or the never-ending quest for validation, you must recognize the mindsets directing your life and let go of those not benefiting you.
